a little more to be thankful for this year

I started this blog in 2016 to document our assisted fertility journey and to keep our closest friends and family up to date with what was happening instead of having to communicate the same story over and over again after each appointment. Once I signed on to blog for Fertility Matters Canada in 2017, this blog became public. It was at that point I joined the infertility Instagram community and starting making connections to other women, and bloggers, battling the same struggle as us. Over the past 2+ years I have connected deeply with women who would have otherwise been strangers to me. We are grateful for the support we have received both through the infertility community as well as our own network of family and friends. I am also so blessed to know that I’ll be entering motherhood with a strong tribe of women behind me to help guide me through all of the unknowns.

Over the course of the last 2+ years we have been through many obstacles on our assisted fertility journey. October has always been a really hard month for me as it’s our anniversary and also the month we started try to conceive in 2012. Every year that we have celebrated another anniversary without a baby has been difficult. Last year marked 5 years of trying to conceive with only one pregnancy, one embryo and no live birth. We went on to transfer that final embryo in October of 2017 which also resulted in failure. We were back to square one; heartbroken and scared of what was next.

2018 brought some renewed strength, two more egg retrievals, heavy out of pocket costs, and ultimately our 7 PGS normal embryos. The other night as we celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary (with soda water for me and a diet Pepsi for Shawn), I was finally able to admit that this would be an October I could be happy with. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant which means we are half way through this pregnancy. As the 6 year mark of trying to conceive approaches, I can now take comfort in knowing I am pregnant. For the first time in years we also have hope that we will have more than one child (something we always wanted but never thought would be a reality).

One thing I have learned now that we have finally achieved a pregnancy is that it was not the exact answer I had hoped it would be. I spent most of the first trimester dealing with depression and, at times, severe anxiety. You see, we had spent the better part of 5 1/2 years dealing with negative results and coping mechanisms for those results that I had never once prepared myself for what would happen if I actually did fall pregnant. Don’t get me wrong – I was thrilled our frozen embryo transfer worked – but seeing those two lines on the test and even after finding out my blood work came back positive was not enough to truly believe this was happening. I remember our first ultrasound at 6 weeks where the tech said “congrats, there’s a baby in there”. She went on to show us the heartbeat and while I got all teary eyed, I still wondered if this was really happening.

I was closely monitored at our fertility clinic weekly from weeks 6-8 and then bi-weekly from weeks 9-13. After our NT (nuchal translucency) scan at 13 weeks, we were then released out in to regular care. Except I felt anything but regular. My anxiety became worse once we were released from the care of our fertility doctor. I was constantly worried and almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are now 20 weeks along and that shoe has not dropped. I have worked closely with a therapist to navigate my way through my pregnancy and all of the fears that have come with it. We have an at-home Doppler which has allowed me to check in our on babe on the really tough days. I am now feeling movement which is pretty neat and has really helped me to believe that this will be our take home baby. I know things can change but I am choosing to believe that this is our time. I, finally, will be a Mom. We, finally, will be parents.

I did not beat infertility. I am still very much infertile and the last 6 years will always stay with me even once our sweet babe is here. What I am happy for is the chance to finally overcome an obstacle I was not so sure I would ever overcome. I am grateful beyond measure for this little wonder growing inside me and we can’t wait to start this next chapter. Finally our Long road to baby is starting to feel a little bit shorter.

All the love.

XOXO

Author:

Just a couple of cool kids trying to have their own cool kid!

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