When we started out 2017 we had so many goals and expectations. Goals we for sure thought we were going to crush. From hiccups in starting our first IUI to finally getting the ball rolling in March, we assumed it was the “one last thing” we needed to finally conceive. Were we ever wrong. Honestly, I thought I had done a pretty good job preparing myself both mentally and physically for anything 2017 threw my way but in fact, there was no way to prepare for half of what was thrown at us.
After we found out our first IUI failed, I was devastated. But we quickly picked ourselves back up and moved right in to our second IUI cycle. After that one failed, we decided to take a break. What we hadn’t really prepared for is how much of a toll the hormones and everything else would take on my body. I was exhausted all the time (like a permanent walking zombie) no matter how much sleep I was getting. My moods were debatable on any given day. I was irritable and sad and just generally not in a great head space. That’s when we decided to run away at the last-minute for a week in Portugal. We took time to recharge and enjoy and just focus on ourselves. It was much-needed. We returned in June for our final IUI which also failed and decided that would be our last. Luckily in the same month we received a call that our funding had been approved and we could move forward with IVF in July. We had so many emotions around all of it but were happy we were moving forward with a new plan. It was a plan with higher success rates and better statistics as well as a fresh start. If I thought I couldn’t have prepared my body for and IUI stim cycle, I certainly could not have imagined what an IVF stim cycle would do to it. I bloated to a point that I left a meeting at work one afternoon to run to the mall and buy maternity pants. Nothing fit. I was at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome and just an overall mess. After a successful retrieval and fresh day 5 transfer of our little Poppy seed, we saw our first positive pregnancy test in 5 years of trying. We were cautiously optimistic. I had lots of things going wrong with that cycle and so I had a gut feeling the pregnancy wasn’t going to last. It didn’t. A few short days after we saw our positive test(s), beta numbers confirmed that I was indeed pregnant but that it wouldn’t last. We were heartbroken but also more hopeful since it was the closest to actually being pregnant we had ever been. We had our one last shot with our frozen embryo, Sesame, and we transferred that embaby in the fall. Sadly, Sesame did not result in a pregnancy either. It was after our final negative we decided we would give IVF another shot, but, with a new clinic and doctor. Things are progressing well with our new clinic and we look forward to starting a new retrieval cycle in February.
What I will take away from 2017? An even stronger bond with Shawn than when we started all of this. We are far from perfect, and have had our fair share of challenges over our 7 years of marriage, but if infertility hasn’t torn us apart, and it has had its chances, I know we can make it through just about anything. He has been nothing short of incredible throughout this entire process. He recognizes constantly how much my body is going through and always puts me first. He deals with uncontrollable bursts of tears on my saddest days and is truly the only person who can snap me out of my worst moods. I know he hurts too but he would never show it in order to protect me. I can’t wait for the day he is a father to our sweet child.
Moving forward 2018 also means we will be moving in to our new home where we will start our adoption home study. We are both very excited for the opportunity to be able to expand our family by way of adoption whether our IVF cycle works or not.
While we are ending 2017 without a baby in our arms (or my womb), I thought I’d be a lot more sad. Don’t get me wrong, the holidays have stirred up some buried emotions but I think it’s all a part of grieving. Grieving a year that did not end in a way we had thought it would but truthfully, we have made major moves in the last 2 months and 2018 promises to bring us closer to our goal of being parents. We will be parents.
I know I have said it a million times (and I will continue to do so), but we would not have made it this far in our journey without the love and support of our family and friends. Every one of you who continues to stand by us in good times and bad are so very important to us and our one day babe. I am also beyond grateful for the community of women I have surrounded myself with who are also fighting the good fight. What I would have done without some of you this year is beyond me!
Merry Christmas and happy new year to all!