As some of you may know, we moved on to our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle in October. It started on CD2 with a baseline ultrasound and then Estrace (estrogen) twice a day. Nothing needed to happen again until CD12 which was a dream compared to my egg retrieval cycle. On CD12 I went back for another scan and my lining was a perfect 10! What did this mean? It meant I would transfer on CD16! On Wednesday October 11th, we transferred our final embaby. Everything went perfectly. I was 100 times more relaxed than during our first cycle and even made a playlist to listen to during the transfer. “Sesame” was successfully transferred and then began the dreaded two-week wait.
The weekend after transfer was filled with farmer’s market visits and friends and brunch. A very easy way to pass the early stages of the two-week wait. I went hiking with my dog and even enjoyed a light BodyFlow yoga class. By 7 days after my transfer, things started becoming not as easy. I had an urge to test. I had already had a couple of tests leftover from our fresh transfer back in the summer so I figured I’d give it a try. Negative. I was a little concerned but then remembered that I didn’t see my first positive test during our fresh cycle until about 8 days after our transfer so I waited. I tested again the next day and the result was the same. Negative. Of course when this happens you turn to Google and every support group you belong too. I read a lot of things about late implantation of day 6 blastocysts but based on my readings and in speaking with other women by 9 to 10 days past frozen embryo transfer (and even with a late implanter) an early response pregnancy test should be able to detect enough HCG to confirm a pregnancy. I was holding, loosely, on to hope but also was starting to accept what I knew was the truth: I was not pregnant. Our final attempt at this round of IVF was over and it meant we were back to square one. I continued to test the next two days and saw the same stark white negative I had seen all week. It just so happened that I had some yoga teacher training to complete over the last few days of the two-week wait and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Not only was it a great distraction, it totally kept my mind at ease. I did make a decision to drop out of my prenatal training as I would have had to wear a pillow to mimic pregnancy and as I knew I was not pregnant, my heart wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Instead I spent that day running errands and just practicing some general self-care.
On the Monday morning I went in to my beta with a smile on my face already knowing what my email would say later that day. I even sent Shawn to work that morning as I felt like I was already prepared for what was coming. It’s like I’ve seen the emails so many times now that they don’t even phase me anymore. Except they do. Reading the words always get an automatic reaction and this time was no different but then, just moments later, I carried on with my work and my day. I went back to the office the next day, because sitting around and feeling sorry for myself gets old real quick, and surprisingly I was okay. People checked in throughout the day and offered to bring us food or take me out. It was all very nice. The surprising thing was that as the days passed, I continued to feel okay. It was like I had no emotion towards what had just happened. We decided the day of our confirmed negative that we would give IVF one more shot. Keep in mind this now means we are fully out-of-pocket (to the tune of about $20,000) and there is still no guarantee. At the same time we also solidified our decision to move forward with adoption. Adoption is something that Shawn and I have talked about since all of this started. We have both acknowledged that no matter how a child comes in to our lives, that it will be our child. So with that, we were referred to a private adoption consultant that friend’s of ours had used for both of their adoptions and we have an appointment with her in a couple of weeks. We also decided on a new IVF doctor and are waiting on that consultation too.
Earlier this week, my emotions took a complete turn. It’s almost as if everything I was trying to bury deep down and not feel came out to play. I currently feel empty and really scared. I cry (a lot) and I wonder if the day will come where I have a child of my own. I know these feelings will come and go but right now they’re just all so raw and very real. To think at the beginning of this year, when we finally started treatment, my biggest fear was having a baby too close to Christmas as he or she may grow up having their birthday overshadowed by the holidays. These feelings then moved on to wondering if our baby would share a birthday with me to then hoping so badly I could be on maternity leave with a few of my closest friends. None of this is currently a reality and as of right now we are at a complete standstill. I was almost asleep the other night and I shot awake sobbing yelling that I wanted our sweet Sesame back. It’s all too much some days and yet others, not at all. We will get through this as we always do because what other choice do we have? This just happens to be our current reality. Our daily, shitty, all-consuming reality. But with any luck, this will not be our reality forever. Life will carry on.