With Thanksgiving coming up here in Canada this weekend, I definitely have a lot to be thankful for: my husband, family, friends, job and ridiculously adorable dogs are just a few of the things I am continuously grateful for. October, in general, is a month of mixed emotions for me. Our wedding anniversary is on the 1st (which is a reminder of the amazing partner I continue to build a life with), Shawn was also born on the 5th (so it’s another reason to celebrate his awesomeness) but then there’s a certain sadness I’m reminded of at the same time.
In October of 2012 Shawn and I, with two other couples, decided to take a trip to Jamaica. I had been off birth control for an entire year before this trip and we discussed that on this particular trip we would officially start “trying”. I remember the first night sitting with my legs in the air while watching an episode of Jersey Shore thinking “this could be the time”. It was not. I chalked it up to not accurately monitoring my cycle that month plus too much food and booze on our trip. Then the next month came and nothing, then a year came and nothing, and now we are at year 5. Every October that goes by where we do not have a baby is a reminder of just how long we have been on this journey. This year marks 5 years and normally I’m not as affected by it but I think a lot has changed over the last year. I used to think, when I thought I had any control over my reproductive schedule, that I would have two kids by the time I was 35 and now I’m not even sure I’ll have one.
There will always be good days and bad when it comes to this battle and I never could have imagined it would take this long. 5 years ago we were one of the first couples in our core group of friends that were going to start trying and it now feels like everyone else but us has a child (or two). I’m not saying we are losing hope, because we are not, I am just saying it’s getting a lot harder. To put it in to perspective, we have had 60 cycles including 4 assisted cycles. 59 negatives and only 1 positive which we lost too soon. It’s been 1,825 days (which is a Long a$$ time).
Infertility has taken away a lot from us but it has also allowed us to grow in other ways. As we continue to strive to achieve our dream of becoming parents, there is a lot more we have to look at now as a couple. We are grateful to still have one frozen embaby left that we are hoping little Sesame is the one but if not, we will circle back and make a new game plan. I’m not going to lie, when I changed the front page of the blog to reflect “Our 5+ Year Journey to Parenthood” from 4+ I had a good cry. Never did I think I would ever be writing blog , never mind an infertility blog, but here I am sharing my story to hopefully helps others in realizing that they are not alone.
Something that made me smile today was looking back on all the trips we have taken together in the last 5 years: Barbados, Pittsburgh, Chicago, Mexico, Thailand, Taiwan, Ireland, England, Portugal, Calgary and British Columbia to name a few. I have also travelled on my own to Panama and Colombia for work, multiple New York and Montreal weekends plus Scotland on my first solo UK adventure in 2015. Overall I am thankful and, more often than not, the good outweighs the bad but sometimes you just have to take in the bad for all it is and feel all the feels.
As I’ve always said: I will be a Mom. We will be parents. It will happen. We just have no control over the “when” right now.
To my friends and family and Canadian followers, Happy Thanksgiving. May your hearts and bellies be full on this long weekend.