when the hurt doesn’t go away

It has been just over 7 weeks since we lost our little Poppy and there have been a lot of emotions especially with our FET cycle approaching next month. I am definitely hopeful for what’s to come but also very nervous and scared. To be honest, the last 7 weeks free of appointments, injections, ultrasounds, bloating and hormonal breakdowns has been nice but the hurt hasn’t gone away. I keep wondering when “I’ll get over it” and maybe I just never will. For a short moment in time I was pregnant and then, I wasn’t.

I remember a time where I used to think that even though I was devastated that I had never been pregnant, I was somewhat grateful that I had also never experienced a loss. When we first found out that Poppy was no longer, I didn’t really know how to feel as I went from being pregnant to not being pregnant in a few short days. Basically less than 72 hours after our positive FRER’s were confirmed by a positive blood test, my pregnancy was gone. Leading up to our blood test I had pee’d on a total of about 11 pregnancy tests starting around 7dp5dt (7 days past 5 day transfer) and all were positive. When I initially found out that we had a positive blood result, although far too low, I would sit and stare at all of the positive tests and wonder why it was all happening. Even after our loss was confirmed, I would still sneak in to that drawer in the bathroom and take a peak in disbelief that they all were positive yet I was no longer pregnant. Eventually, for my sanity and to start moving forward, I had to throw them all out. I didn’t want to be reminded. I wanted to forget it even happened. I told myself I would have been happier with a negative test and beta than having to go through that loss. Since then I have had good days and bad days, days where the simple task of getting out of bed is unimaginable, days when the feeling of my heart breaking over and over again are too hard to control. But then I have awesome days where I take life by the horns and power through. I remind myself that I was pregnant and that was a huge milestone for us. Even if our FET next month IS successful, I don’t think the hurt will go away. I’ve said before that while I will be ecstatic the day I get to hold our babe in my arms for the first time, it will not wipe out what we had to go through to get to that point and I think the same feelings now apply to loss.

By now we would have been around the 12 week mark. I often think about how we would have told our families and friends (as everyone has been so involved and supportive through our journey). I think about the friends I would have been on mat leave with and how we could form our own Mom group because there would be so many of us. My days are not always this hard, but the hurt doesn’t go away.

I also take lots of time to reflect on everything we have been lucky to do over the past couple of months. We went to visit friends and family in western Canada earlier this month and I am happy that we continue to choose to maximize our time while it’s still just the two of us.  I have been actively practising Moksha again (which is something that will need to come to and end when our next cycle starts) and I’ve enjoyed nights out and glasses of wine and laughter with great friends.

The hurt may never go away but I hope over time its presence will fade.