i was pregnant

Was pregnant? Am pregnant? I’m sort of in this strange kind-of pregnant / kind-of not pregnant limbo at the moment. I recently posted about our first cycle of IVF and at that point, I knew I was pregnant but what I did not know was that we were losing our pregnancy at the same time.

I started spotting about a week ago (5dp5dt). I was concerned of course as I thought the worst. After speaking with my nurse and doing a little bit of googling I the concluded that it may actually be a good sign. You see, implantation occurs anywhere from 1-6 days after an embryo transfer so I just assumed little Poppy implanted late and I carried on with my week. By 8dp5dt the spotting had not stopped so I decided to take a cheap dollar store test and to my surprise, there was a faint second line. I couldn’t believe it.. I stared at this faint little line for what felt like hours. I decided to go to Shoppers later that day and by a FRER (first response early response) as they tend to pick up the HCG levels sooner too. I then took that test on Thursday night, tucked it in my night stand and went about my evening. I wasn’t going to tell Shawn about it because it was too soon. Even if I saw the faint line on the FRER, it was too soon but then there it was, a noticeable line. I had to tell him. I was so excited. I had never been pregnant before. WE had never been pregnant before. I told him on the couch and showed him the test. He was cautiously excited as he is with everything on this journey and I understood his position. It was early days. Not 24 hours later my excitement started to turn in to more worry. I started bleeding heavier on Friday night. By Saturday I had a full flow consistent with my period. I didn’t know what to think, was I still pregnant? Were we losing our little Poppy seed? I had no idea what to do. I went to Shoppers again and purchased a Clearblue digital test. Never in my life had I ever made it to a point where I needed to confirm my pregnancy (mostly because we had never been pregnant). I purchased the digital test and immediately headed to the closest mall bathroom and pee’d on it. I put it back in the box, in the bag and in to my purse and left the mall. I sat in my car for what felt like an eternity before I went back in to my purse, pulled out the bag, the box and eventually the test. I saw a big bright word on the screen that I had never seen in my life: PREGNANT. I freaked out. At first I read the reading of 1-2 as weeks pregnant when in fact it was indicative of when I would have conceived. That result was accurate as I would have been between 3-4 weeks pregnant at that point. It made me feel a lot better but I also just couldn’t shake the feeling that with the amount of bleeding I was experiencing, something was terribly wrong. I carried on with my weekend filled with family and friends and stopped testing at that point. I decided I would just hold on to the last few days I had of being pregnant while fearing the worst but hoping for the best.

Yesterday we had my beta test to confirm if I was pregnant or not. Turns out, I am.. or, was? The beta measures the levels of HCG in your blood and anything over a 5 is considered a pregnancy. They like to see your numbers over 50 on your first beta and sadly, mine was only at a 7.5. After the doctors review (and based on the fact that I had a full flow bleed since Saturday), I was advised to stop my progesterone and to come for monitoring until my levels go back to zero.

So here I am, waiting for my levels to go back to zero. Waiting to lose the rest of this pregnancy. I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t breaking every time I thought about it but I am also trying so very hard to look at the bright side of this all. That for the first time in our lives, we were pregnant. It might have only been for a few days but I will hold on to that until I am given the chance to be pregnant again. We need to take another break again to let my body get back to normal but we will carry our with our one last frosty and prepare for our frozen embryo transfer in the fall. Things may be quiet between now and our FET but I want to thank you all again for your love and support through what is yet another bump on our LongRoadToBaby.

XO

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Just a couple of cool kids trying to have their own cool kid!

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