what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Or so they say. It is with a heavy heart that I sit here and write that, once again, I am not pregnant. Words you would think would get easier and easier to say, mostly due to repetition, but don’t. I tested early on Wednesday (which was way too early) because I already had a gut feeling what our result would be. Today’s beta was simply just a confirmation of what I already knew. The thing about it is I still held on to hope until the very last minute. Until I walked out of a two hour audit committee meeting and looked at my phone to see there was no missed call.  No missed call and an unread email from Procrea.

I think the hardest part about this round is that we are now at an indefinite standstill. Shawn needs to see a specialist due to some other complications and we will regroup with our fertility doctor about next steps once we hear back from him.

For now, we wait. I think I had a lot of expectations when starting fertility. I knew it wasn’t going to be the answer right away but I certainly couldn’t have anticipated how much the disappointment would affect me since I still have yet to see a positive. My heart hurts. Like really hurts. It’s as if someone has punched  me right in the stomach yet there is no one even standing next to me. I just feel completely broken inside and there is not much anyone can say or do to make this better (although we truly do appreciate the outpouring of support we have received).

Just know that I will pick myself back up. We will carry on and never give up until we have our sweet little babe. But today is not that day. Today we mourn another cycle gone and another negative result. Another bump in our Long road to baby.

Author:

Just a couple of cool kids trying to have their own cool kid!

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