if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again

I’d have to say that some of the longest moments of my life took place between Friday of last week and yesterday morning. More so, I didn’t think time could possibly stand still until yesterday between the hours of 7:30 a.m. and 11:57 a.m.

I had my first Beta test yesterday to determine if the IUI worked or not. My blood was taken promptly at 7:30 a.m. and then the waiting started. Shawn and I went out to Bagel World for breakfast and then came home to watch TV and hang out. The nurse had said she would call with good news otherwise she would send an email because it would also have to include next steps. What felt like the longest 4 hours and 37 minutes EVER quickly came to a halt when I refreshed my inbox for the 400th time and the email came in. I saw the name ‘Nurse Procrea’ in my inbox and at that point, I knew what was coming next: “Hi Michelle and Shawn, I am so sorry, I really wish that I was calling you right now. Your test is negative today”. It took a couple minutes to digest. I cried almost instantly but it hadn’t really registered with me yet. I mean, I’ve had 53 negative pregnancy tests over 53 months already, what makes this so different? I carried on watching TV while reading the email about 6 more times just wishing the word “negative” wasn’t there. It wasn’t until about an hour later that it really hit me – I wasn’t pregnant. How was this possible?! I ate all the foods, stayed away from all the alcohol and the gym, did all the acupuncture and everything else I thought was going to ensure I got pregnant. But again, I wasn’t. It was then that I broke down. Like the ugly wet face kind of crying you only are capable of while watching This is Us but mixed with some anger and yelling. I was a hot mess and my heart actually hurt. Thankfully Shawn was there to talk me off the ledge. We would carry on. We would move forward. We would get through this all, together. I never really think to ask how HE’s feeling. How HE is handling all of this so then I did. As always, his number one concern is me. He hates to see me cry and even more so, he hates to see me hurt. We are okay. We spent the day doing things that made us happy (which included a lot of food and some alcohol) and we will wait a couple of days and start all over again.

IUI #2, I’m ready for you! Until then, I am off the progesterone for a couple of weeks, back to the gym and just doing the things I love. I am really looking forward to blowing off some steam this weekend and then jumping back on the saddle.

I will be a Mom.


Just a couple of cool kids trying to have their own cool kid!

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