Well, yesterday was a bad day. Outside of the fertility struggle there is a lot going on in everyday life (which I also continuously link back to the fertility struggle). I internalize every little thing that is happening in my life and wonder, if not for this struggle, would things be different? I can’t be sure because this is the path we are currently on and these are the obstacles we must face along the way.
Last night when I got home from Yoga, I was an emotional mess. I laid in bed and cried. And cried. And cried. Shawn asked me what was wrong and I said “I’m tired of feeling broken. I’m tired of feeling like a piece of me is missing”. You see, there was a moment in my practice last night when I was laying in savasana and our teacher asked us to place one hand on our hearts and one hand on our belly. This is common in our practice and it never really has impacted me this way but yesterday, when everything else seemed to be down, it did. I immediately broke in to tears just laying there on my yoga mat. The moment my hand touched my belly my brain instantly thought, why am I broken? Why isn’t there be a baby in there? Why is this consuming so much of me? Unfortunately, I do not have answers to all of those questions except one – I am not broken.
Coincidently today this article was shared by Fertility Matters: Body Image and Infertility. I can honestly say after reading this that so many of these thoughts have gone through my head (over and over and over again).
This is what really resonated with me: “Here’s the thing, one article isn’t going to make all my hurts go away. It isn’t going to all of a sudden make me love my body and forgive it for not providing me with a baby. I will still feel broken and like a failure. I will still have bad days. But, recognizing this brokenness and trying to work on my attitude towards it, that is something that is important and something I want to do. I don’t yet fully know how I will go about this, how I will work on feeling less broken, but I plan to take baby steps.”
I try. I try harder at working on my attitude than anything else in this struggle. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t. But I try. Most days I consider getting out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face a great start and while my days don’t always end with that same smile, I am taking my own baby steps.