Well, Friday was a good day. No, Friday was a GREAT day. I originally had an appointment with the OBGYN to get to the bottom of this irregular cell change business in late May. Yes, that’s correct, I said MAY. Luckily enough I was able to get a cancellation appointment last Friday morning and took it without hesitation.
What I thought was only going to be a consultation appointment turned in to the best appointment ever. Firstly I was told I would be having the colposcopy that morning! YIPPE. Then, if the doctor needed too, he would also do a biopsy. The doctor was really great and explained things very clearly to me. In fact, he broke it down in to plain English instead of all the fancy medical (atypical, LSIL, etc.) terms. He asked me if I had ever been through the metal detector at the airport and if it had gone off. I said, yes. He then asked me why it went off and I told him it was because I was wearing a belt. He asked me why else a metal detector would go off and I replied that it would go off if it detected any metal. Basically his comparison was this – that you could set off a metal detector with a gun or with a belt and more often than not, it’s just a belt. That is how he described irregular cell changes to me. He said most likely, I’m just wearing a belt and we shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
So with that, he performed the colposcopy and took a biopsy and noted that he is not concerned about what’s going on down there. He said he would monitor me every six months but, and these are the words that brought instant joy to my life, I SHOULD NOT PUT OFF IUI ANY LONGER BECAUSE OF THIS. I honestly couldn’t even concentrate after that. I was already calculating in my head when I would get my period and how soon it would be and when we could start and the answer, as of today, is 17 days. I should have my period in approximately 17 days. We are so close once again and, pending no other major interference, will be back on our road to baby so very soon.
Well, yesterday was a bad day. Outside of the fertility struggle there is a lot going on in everyday life (which I also continuously link back to the fertility struggle). I internalize every little thing that is happening in my life and wonder, if not for this struggle, would things be different? I can’t be sure because this is the path we are currently on and these are the obstacles we must face along the way.
Last night when I got home from Yoga, I was an emotional mess. I laid in bed and cried. And cried. And cried. Shawn asked me what was wrong and I said “I’m tired of feeling broken. I’m tired of feeling like a piece of me is missing”. You see, there was a moment in my practice last night when I was laying in savasana and our teacher asked us to place one hand on our hearts and one hand on our belly. This is common in our practice and it never really has impacted me this way but yesterday, when everything else seemed to be down, it did. I immediately broke in to tears just laying there on my yoga mat. The moment my hand touched my belly my brain instantly thought, why am I broken? Why isn’t there be a baby in there? Why is this consuming so much of me? Unfortunately, I do not have answers to all of those questions except one – I am not broken.
Coincidently today this article was shared by Fertility Matters: Body Image and Infertility. I can honestly say after reading this that so many of these thoughts have gone through my head (over and over and over again).
This is what really resonated with me: “Here’s the thing, one article isn’t going to make all my hurts go away. It isn’t going to all of a sudden make me love my body and forgive it for not providing me with a baby. I will still feel broken and like a failure. I will still have bad days. But, recognizing this brokenness and trying to work on my attitude towards it, that is something that is important and something I want to do. I don’t yet fully know how I will go about this, how I will work on feeling less broken, but I plan to take baby steps.”
I try. I try harder at working on my attitude than anything else in this struggle. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t. But I try. Most days I consider getting out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face a great start and while my days don’t always end with that same smile, I am taking my own baby steps.
I’m not sure I’ve ever really got in to the marital side of this all. The stuff behind the scenes that no one really sees. The part this struggle plays in our day-to-day life at home when no one else is around. The person who is always on the other side of the table at the pity parties and the full on mental breakdowns. I mean, I have talked about them but I haven’t really got in to who is always there for those. Whether happy or sad or angry or miserable, there is always one constant. Sure, my friends and family are the best of the best and I truly am lucky to have such a strong support system but there are still things that they don’t see or hear. They have never witnessed me at the lowest of my low, they have never had to physically pick me up when I’m so broke down I don’t want to move but Shawn, Shawn has.
I wanted to write this post because I can truthfully say that if I was married to any other human, I don’t know that I would have made it through this all. You know when you get married and you never know what it’s going to be like? We went through all that typical marriage hardship stuff and then some yet we seemed to make it out on top. Then you think about the baby stuff and you’re like ya, I could totally have a child with this dude. But then the baby comes and there are late nights and no sleep and feedings and poop everywhere and tension is high and that is a true test on marriage as well. There’s yelling and crying and moments where I’m sure some of you have wondered if it was all worth it. Well, I haven’t even got to that part yet and he hasn’t run for the hills so I already consider myself lucky. I can truthfully say it takes a special relationship to deal with something of this magnitude. We have faced over 6 years of marriage just the two of us. Just him and I. No baby in the equation and in fact, we have spent the better part of the last 4 and a half years trying. 6+ years has allowed us to build a stronger foundation and go through more of our own struggles before embarking on this parenting adventure.
No matter what sh*t is added to my platter, he is always there to listen. It doesn’t matter if I have the same mental breakdown 100 times, he listens and always has the most positive approach (which obviously annoys me sometimes because I just want to wallow in my own sorrow). He is the solid strength in all of this. He is the part of the equation that keeps me going. Without him, I may have given up on this dream a very long time ago.
So with this I say:
Thank you. Thank you one hundred, million times. Your love, support and compassion throughout all of this speaks volumes about the kind of man you truly are. For every time you are there when I need you the most, I picture how amazing of a Dad you will be to our (one day) child.
You are the reason I will never give up.