mind-body healing – session 5 and 6

Here I am! I had taken a bit of a break between my last posts a couple of weeks ago and now. I then realized I never posted about my last two mind-body healing sessions. As we all remember the week before Thanksgiving was a rough one. The nice things about the day of the news was we had fertility yoga that evening. I did what I thought I would do and I cried through the entire session but I also released a lot of the negativity I was  holding inside from that day. It was after that session the fog cleared and I remembered some of the options the doctor gave us. After the yoga was complete we did our sharing for the week. That when I told everyone what had happened that day. The amount of support you receive from a group of women in similar circumstances is something I can’t fully explain in words. It was nothing short of amazing. I left the group that night with such a different outlook and for that, I was thankful. There was someone else in the group with the low AMH diagnosis as well and while treatment has not yet worked for her, I think we found comfort in being in a similar situation. We walked home together that night and it was so nice to just talk about it with another female in the same boat. 

Our final session was almost 2 weeks ago. Week 6. In that final session we all shared what our week was like and how the programs impacted us. I shared that since going through the program I have worked harder at accepting the things I cannot change and spending a little more time on me. I will be a Mom. I’ve learned more about, and connected more, with myself in 6 weeks than I think I ever have. After this, our group leader guided us through a self-hypnosis exercise. It was so powerful as I had never experienced anything like this before. It was interesting for sure. 

Last week was the first week without the group and while I was a bit nervous and having feelings of being alone last Wednesday night, I was ok. I will always have moments of feeling alone and like no one understands what I’m going through but the last 6 weeks has brought me in to a more positive place just in time to start fertility treatments in 4.5 shorts months. Time is going to fly!  

the morning after

So, Thursday sucked (see below). Big time. But after the fog cleared and I really took in everything the doctor said, something stood out that I hadn’t spent any time thinking about. We could freeze Shawn’s sperm before we go. That way when we return we only have to wait 3 months and not 6 (it’s the males that need 6 months when returning from a Zika country). I emailed back and forth with the clinic on Friday morning and found out it was only $400 to store one sample of Shawn’s speed for up to a year. Pretty sure I spent that on a purse last week soooo it was evident we would proceed this way. I then called the clinic to get more information on the process and they let us know that one sample is actually good for 3 to 8 inseminations so it would actually be enough to carry us through to when Shawn’s sperm would be okay again in June. We will now start IUI in March which is 3 months sooner. Needless to say Friday was a WAY better day. I think I jumped up and down in excitement when I found out we had this option and that it was within our budget. I mean nothing about this baby making process is going to be cheap so in the grand scheme of things what’s another $400? You can’t put a price tag on my sanity these days that for sure. 

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously never had to go though fertility treatments. 

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I hope you have a wonderful weekend with loved ones and lots of food. 

a bump in the road…

I am writing today through tears. Tears that haven’t stopped for the last 3 hours (okay, maybe they have stopped here and there but today is not a good day). Today was the day we received our test results. We had a feeling nothing crazy would have (or should have) changed in the last 2.5 years. The doctor always starts with the good news. Shawn’s sperm analysis came back normal in terms of numbers and motility. While the motility was a little on the lower side, the doctor was not concerned by these results whatsoever. On to me! Tubes are open (sweet!) and my uterus looks good to carry a child. There is no scarring from previous Crohn’s flare ups which is good and my ovaries looks good to go as well (woohoo!). Then came my AMH results. The one’s I’ve been worried about. The ones I can’t stop thinking about. The reason I took this cancellation appointment this morning because waiting to know until December (when our original follow-up was scheduled) was not an option for me and my over thinking brain. So lay it on me, doc – how is that ovarian reserve of mine? He then said the words I didn’t fully prepare myself for “your AMH levels are lower than what I like to see” which is a sugar-coated way of telling me my egg reserve is depleting. It took me all of 6 seconds before I burst in to tears. Shawn automatically went in to protector mode and the doctor made sure I was okay to continue (which I was) and he carried on through my tears. The good news is he is still staring us with IUI. It will just mean the medication I am on may differ and mostly in terms of dosage. Our doctor recommends we start treatment sooner than later and normally we would have been good to start in January but now there is another little bump – Thailand is now on the Government of Canada’s Zika list. What does that mean? Once we return from Thailand we have to wait 6 months before we can start IUI. There is a 3 month wait for females and 6 month wait for males and our doctor, by law, can not perform the procedure. I am all for safety when it comes to Zika and any other potentially harmful virus so this is something we will 100% take seriously. It just wasn’t a part of the “plan”. So, today is not a good day. It’s a pity party day. It’s a day where I want to be sad and tomorrow, I have to move forward. But today, today I’m sad and I’m okay with that.

One thing I am happy about – it’s session 5 tonight of mind-body healing and we are doing fertility yoga. This is something I’ve been practicing on my own and am very interested in so even if I cry through the whole thing, it will probably be the best thing for me today.

I may also drink a bottle of Prosecco when I get home sooooooooo ya.